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OK girls, this is what I like to call #realtalk

Why do we let so many men treat us like crap? They get away with murder yet we still feel the need to make excuses for their behaviour. The truth is that the reason lies in our past relationships including those in in our childhood and our self confidence or lack of it and low self esteem.

As psychology would have it. when we were children, we observed and experienced certain behaviours and outcomes that taught us how we should think, feel and respond to certain situation. For example, if someone grew up seeing that when ever dad spoke to mum, mum seems uncomfortable, scared and barely able to express her true self, instead of a mutual relationship based on love and understanding, the child observes that the relationship between mum and dad is more like a leader and a slave. The child then begins to view men as authoritative figures that must be obeyed no matter the cause. The child begins to understand that if mum doesn’t do what dad says or wants, then dad will become angry and distance himself from mum. The child learns that the best way to keep someone that you love is to submit to the their will no matter what so that they do not end up losing that person. Because of this experience, in adulthood the woman is more likely to take a lot of maltreatment from her dominant male counterpart. This can manifest it’s self into self sabotaging behaviours that includes taking crap from people at the expense of your own well being and progress in life.

Granted, I don’t think this explanation covers the entire story, there is so much more to why women especially behave in such ways including the fact that we are generally more emotionally invested in a relationship and thus our emotions control so much of our behaviours.

Yes we are complicated creatures, but if the above explanation has anything to go by, that means that at some stage in our lives, we learned that if we aren’t truly worthy of good treatment and that even if someone is straight up doing us wrong, we don’t have the right to speak up, because if we do, that person may “punish” us, either by leaving or harming us in some other way. So we allow ourselves to stay and live in the pain.

If you are living in the pain, girl, do yourself a favour and say out loud “NO MORE. NO MORE. NO MORE!

You may have a past history but so does everyone else so no, you don’t deserve the disrespect, the hurt or the abandonment.

Reclaim your right to respect and love from those who claim to love you and remember that it’s going to take a lot of work, but, if you are willing to work on yourself, you will get there.

 

Sadness is an emotion that often creeps up in everyone’s life at some point but when it begins to become constant, longer lasting, hopefully these three things can help to overcome it with time and the permission of Allah.

The first step is controlling your thoughts and focus.

When we focus on something, we prolong the amount of attention that thing gets which inevitably increases the body’s response to it. So from that the physical symptoms begin to worsen. That crippling feeling that has you in bed all day and has you confined and unable to move or be productive.

So how do I control my thoughts I here you ask; action! Action is how you control your thoughts. When we take a physical action, our body chemistry changes. Hormones shift, concentrations shifts leading to a shift in focus.

We all know this already, it’s just a case of bring it to our attention. If you study the behaviour of people when there are stressed, you will find that they often either cripple in their sadness, or they occupy themselves with something else just so that they can get away from thinking or facing the problem. It’s called fight or flight response. Now both responses have the potential to be the right or wrong response but it all depends on the situation at hand.

So in the case thoughts that cause you sadness, take an action that diverts your mind away from the thinking about that particular thing that is causing you to feel sad. I know, it’s hard, not that simple, you just don’t even feel like you have the energy to get up. But you can, one step at a time, get up, get moving, get out of the house and start living. Remember why you are here. To serve Allah, so pray and whilst you are at it, make this dua

• It was reported from Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (Peace and Blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to say when something upset him:

“Yaa Hayyu yaa Qayyoom, bi Rahmatika astagheeth (O Ever-Living One, O Everlasting One, by Your mercy I seek help).”

• It was reported that Asmaa’ bint ‘Umays (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to me:

“Shall I not teach you some words to say when you feel distressed, Depression and Worries ?

اللهُ اللهُ رَبِّ لا أُشْـرِكُ بِهِ شَيْـئاً

‘Allaah, Allaah, Rabbee laa ushriku bihi shay’an’

Allaah, Allaah, my Lord, I do not associate anything with Him (Abu Dawud 2/87. See also Al-Albani, Sahih Ibn Majah 2/335.)

It was reported from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No person suffers any anxiety or grief, and says:

للّهُـمَّ إِنِّي عَبْـدُكَ ابْنُ عَبْـدِكَ ابْنُ أَمَتِـكَ نَاصِيَتِي بِيَـدِكَ، مَاضٍ فِيَّ حُكْمُكَ، عَدْلٌ فِيَّ قَضَاؤكَ أَسْأَلُـكَ بِكُلِّ اسْمٍ هُوَ لَكَ سَمَّـيْتَ بِهِ نَفْسَكَ أِوْ أَنْزَلْتَـهُ فِي كِتَابِكَ، أَوْ عَلَّمْـتَهُ أَحَداً مِنْ خَلْقِـكَ أَوِ اسْتَـأْثَرْتَ بِهِ فِي عِلْمِ الغَيْـبِ عِنْـدَكَ أَنْ تَجْـعَلَ القُرْآنَ رَبِيـعَ قَلْبِـي، وَنورَ صَـدْرِي وجَلَاءَ حُـزْنِي وذَهَابَ هَمِّـي

‘Allaahumma innee ‘abduka wa ibn ‘abdika wa ibn amatika, naasiyati bi yadika, maadin fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka, as’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghaybi ‘andak an taj’ala al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’a huzni wa dhahaaba hammi’

“O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your female slave, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every Name belonging to You which You named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety”

but Allaah will take away his sorrow and grief, and give him in their stead joy.” (Ahmad 1/391)

Then read some verses of the Quran because Allah says that “verily, in the remembrance of Allah does the heart find rest” and Allah never fails in his promise.

Over time, you will begin to feel better, some days may be worse than others but God willing, you will get there.

Having said all of this, I want to make it clear that sadness is perfectly normal. It’s not something to feel ashamed of, or something to shut down immediately and avoid at all cost because, like all of our other emotions, Allah created us with the ability to feel sad so give yourself the permission to cry when you feel like crying and don’t let anyone make you feel weak or worthless because of that. When the prophet (pbuh) got the news of losing his grandchild, tears fell from his eyes as he cried but said “the heart feels sadness but the tongue will not utter except that which pleases Allah“.

So, when you are done crying, wipe those tears, keep it moving and remember that Allah had your back.

 

Mental health is so easily overlooked. Often, it is much more easier to diagnose physical illness than mental illness but in some cases, I will argue that mental health is far more valuable and crucial in the health of a person.

Have you ever been in a situation were by you physically seem fine but mentally, you are feel like a walking cups?

Imagine that on a daily bases, for how long would you be able to cope before you literally start to fall apart.

A smile they say can hide so many pains. There are so many people out their walking around us, seemingly fine and happy but in reality are going through some of the most mentally challenging things you can ever image. So how does that affect me, I hear you say. Well, it affects us as a society and community as a whole. The less mentally stable our fellow citizens are, the more stressful society as a whole ends up being and at some point, we may face it one on one because these people are our colleagues, our friends, our bosses, our children and our brothers and sisters in Islam. A simple solution I really want to share today is, when you ask someone how they are, at least once in a day, ask, really hoping for a truthful answer and stopping for a few minutes or simply looking at the person you are speaking to may open an opportunity for that person to share something that may be bothering them with you. It may seem small but in reality, you may just be saving a life because what you may here in those few minutes may lead to an incredible change in the life of that person and also yours because every good deed is highly rewarded by Allah.

For those who feel to ashamed to speak about their problems: People are not as bad as you think, there are so many people out their, with a good heart who can assist you in whatever difficulties you may be facing. I can’t guarantee that judgement won’t be there but for the most part you just need to be a little selective of who you open up to. That’s not always easy when you are just in that moment and can’t hold back the tears so don’t force it away. It is important to allow our emotions to be, shutting down constantly won’t fix the problem, it will only build into a resentment that will later explode.

So, to rap this up; if you are in an emotional turmoil, let other in to help you. The devil can only attack the loan wolf. A lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way.

To everyone else; mean it when you ask “How are you?” It may change someone’s life.